Monday, June 23, 2008

I’m addicted

Warning…long, therapeutic post ahead! Read with caution!

to food…there it's out. As I look at the calendar … then the scale…then the mirror, I see I haven't gone so far in my main summer goal to loose weight. I've had this same summer goal for the past 30 years I'd say. Since I'm 33 years old, I believe I started getting 'chubby' (the nice term for fat) around 3 years of age. It didn't become too noticeable until age 8. At that time I really remember noticing how unhappy I was with my body. When you have to buy all your clothing in 'pretty plus' sizes as a child/youth you really realize you are different. Then there is the other kids taunting you and calling you names, blah, blah, blah.

When I was around 14 I had to have my gallbladder removed because it was diseased and I often suffered from gallstone attacks. I was in 8th grade and already close to over 200 pounds. When I recovered from surgery (which I know was a direct reflection of the way I ate, yes genetics played some role in the gallbladder situation, but it was because I was fat) I started seeing a pediatric/youth dietitian/nutritionist every week. I lost 50+ pounds, I weighed 147 pounds the smallest I've ever been. I'll never forget those numbers. For the first time in my life I felt good and …drum roll….I could shop and wear normal size clothing! That summer I bought and wore a bikini, I still have it in my hope chest. (I don't have one picture of me in that thing!) I hope to show it to my daughter one day so she knows I actually looked good if only for one summer!

Throughout high school I gradually gained about 25 pounds. When I was a senior I joined Jenny Craig where I lost maybe 15 pounds. Then came college. In college I lived at home and commuted to a school every day (about a 30 minute drive). During this time I also worked full time as a youth/children's minister at my church, as a secretary/receptionist at a Real Estate office on the weekends, and babysitting at night. I gained more weight, then came the magic little diet pill called Phen-fen(sp?). I thought this was a wonderful invention and lost another 30(ish) pounds. Then they took it off the market and said it caused heart problems among other things (probably like the heart murmur and lack of memory I now have).

After 4 years of college came teaching. Over the course of the 11 years I have taught school I have consistently gained weight without any success in losing anything real to speak of. I have completed a Masters Degree, my+30, National Board Certification, the adoption process, cut my debt drastically, but I cannot win with my body!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you know how frustrating this is???? How can I be successful in other areas of my life but not in controlling my diet and exercise? I know people say it's a sign of some underlying issue, some stronghold in my life, but I wish I knew what? I'm not trying to cover some terrible childhood secret and it's not self hatred. It's not because I don't feel like I deserve it, because I do. There is a normal, healthy person inside of me screaming to be let out!

I'm at a point in my life where this is really starting to affect my life. Mainly because I do not feel good, I have no energy, I often have headaches, and it's because I'm heavier than I've ever been. I've just been shopping this week and had to buy pants that were a size 20. They're big enough for two or three 'normal' size people. The thought of being in public in a swimming suit makes me sick to my stomach and I like swimming, sun, and pools. I made a very detailed plan for myself this summer from the Body for Life book and I screwed it up in the first week. I blew the diet and skipped a workout. So, now I'm doing neither one.

Honestly I feel as if I'm destroying the good body God has given me and I know it's a sin. I'm so lucky because I do not have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or any medical problems to speak of (at least as of last year). I take no medications, nothing. I know if I do not start taking control now of my problem those things will change very soon.

Yes, I have a genetic propensity to be obese, but this cannot be an excuse anymore. My dad was, my aunt is, and my mom is a little overweight. My aunt scares me the most; she is morbidly obese and has to use a scooter to get around. Will that be me one day? I can't let it happen!

The most frightening thing is the thought of being a single mom and needing to be healthy for so many reasons. But mainly because I want to teach my daughter what I never have learned. I have to have energy for her. I have to have will power for her.

I'm being very frank here about my weight and clothes sizes because hey, let's face it most of you people don't know me and those of you who are my friends and family see me every day and you already know how fat I am. So what's so bad about me putting my weight here for the whole world to see? As I've been cleaning bookshelves and closets I've come across about 20 journals/diaries/bible studies. These things I've started at one point in my life and never finished. I usually start them in the summer time and by September I'm done. So, I've piled them up and neatly placed them on my bookshelf, but I haven't started a new one this summer. I'm figuring this blog is my new diary; I've been more consistent with it than any of those journals.

I want a record of the exactness of my weight and clothing sizes as horrible as it is to write. I need to put it out there. There is something therapeutic about being honest with someone about what I try so desperately to hide behind good hair, makeup, cute purses and shoes, and trendy clothing. Somehow I think those size 20 clothes I just bought make me look like a 10 behind the fabulous shoes and purse I have to go with them…I don't think so.

I have books and blogs about it. I have a gym membership. I have the ability to buy and cook any kind of food that I want or need to eat. I can change my life. Why is it so 

I may join Weight Watchers for the millionth time (I didn't record the other little diets I did for short periods of time in part one of my book). I saw a lady on the Today show this morning that lost over 200 pounds. She did it with the help of Weight Watchers. The good things about it are consistency, easy plan, and weekly accountability. The bad thing about it is that every time I walk in to those meetings I feel like I should be holding a candle and saying "Hello, my name is Amy and I have no control over my body". But I guess that is the truth. I haven't decided yet, but I feel pretty sure that's what I'll do. I feel like if I could have done it on my own by now I would have. So I need the help of something else. If any of my blog readers out there have any suggestions, let me know!


Nancy Hamilton said...

WOW,thank you for such honesty. Im so humbled by it. It takes great courage to throw it out there- to let those who read your blog and love you truly know what you are feeling. You are in my prayers as I type this.

I, like you, have struggled most of my life with being the 'hefty' girl...and I too, always bought clothes in the pretty plus! I still wish I had a better body....but you are right- in some ways, we have to believe that all of this IS a spiritual some folks are addicted to alcohol, lying, stealing, etc...we are addicted to food.

I still struggle, and will struggle with you in the days ahead. I too have done about everything out there to loose weight.

Here's a tip that's helped me--- rid your cupboards of EVERYTHING that is of white starch......snack on things like
low fat cereal w/skim milk
cool whip (freeze this- its like ice cream!)
eat protein EVERY meal, and only eat protein after dinner
plan your meals, plan your snacks and this spring, I decided to STOP eating fast food...and almost out all together. Sure if a special occasion rises, I will go; however I found myself revolving my life around food, where we'd eat, etc. I've saved tons of money-plus one of my friends has gotten me on coupon cutting...and IM SAVING SOOOOOOO MUCH $$$$$!!

I've began using "Praying God's Word" and it helps. Im praying for you sister! Press on!

Jill said...


Thank you for sharing this. One of the things I have loved about your blog is that you are very real. You share real things that happen to real people. I have never gotten that deep on my blog. I guess, I've been scared. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you about this situation. Hang in there! You can do it!

Melynda said...

Girl, I just read your blog for the first time. I feel your pain, and I think we're not alone. The 200 mark has been my "warning bell" and every time I get near it I start to panic. But that hasn't stopped me from going to 250, 218, 206...what scares me most is the up and down.

I want to encourage you, though. Throughout your entry, you recognized all that God has done and can do with Amy Maze. You are more than the container that holds your soul. I know you know that, but it bears repeating. We have more to offer than rolls and stretch marks. Having said that, when you figure out how to get rid of them, call me. :)

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